The 6 Levels of Validation Explained by a DBT-PE Therapist
So that you can improve your relationships & reduce shit hitting the fan in moments of opposition with others. Level 6 is my personal favorite.
Validation is a key interpersonal effectiveness skill in DBT. It helps facilitate 'walking the middle path', which basically means balancing acceptance with change to build a life that feels worth living. It's important to learn to validate yourself & others, especially if this isn't a skill that was taught to you in your upbringing with emotionally immature parents. Validation improves our relationships by showing we're listening & understand, making problem solving, closeness & support possible, and removing the pressure to prove who's right, reducing negative reactivity & anger.
Validation does not necessarily mean you are agreeing with the other person or validating what's actually invalid; it means you are acknowledging that someone's behaviors (e.g. their feelings, thoughts, actions) have causes & are therefore understandable. It means you are finding the kernel of truth in their position, or maybe verifying the facts.
Remember: validation tactics apply when engaging with others AND ourselves. As you're reading through these, try thinking about ways you can practice each level with yourself as well as others. Consider acknowledging which level(s) you do well & which ones you may want to practice more.
Level #1 - Pay attention & be alert
Show that you are paying attention by focusing solely on the person(s) you're speaking with, making eye contact, facing them, making appropriate facial expressions, asking questions, etc. Reduce distractions, put your phone down, close your laptop, and so on. Use both nonverbal & verbal behavior to show that you are interested.
Level #2 - Reflect back
Paraphrase what the other person has said to confirm that you are following & understanding correctly. Be nonjudgmental & matter-of-fact, without worrying about whether or not you agree or like what the other person is saying. This also ensures you are on the same page in the conversation & offers the person an opportunity to correct you or explain their position in case you misunderstood something they said. Maybe rephrase what they said & ask, 'is that right?'.
“An inner ease spreads inside me. Such is the power of acceptance and understanding from other people, the power of validation.”
Level #3 - 'Read minds'
Because most of us have experienced this cognitive distortion, so we should be experts. Just kidding. That was invalidating.
But seriously, when reading minds in this context, you want to make an educated guess based on what's not being said & clues you've observed, like the other person's body language or facial expressions. Show that you understand with your words & your actions. This one takes practice, and you might need to get it wrong a few times.
For example, if you're engaging in a difficult discussion with your partner & noticing them squirm, you might check-in by gently & lovingly saying something like, 'are you okay? You seem uncomfortable'. If your educated guess is wrong, accept it & move on. Be open to correction.
Level #4 - Express understanding
Acknowledge how the person's feelings, thoughts, experiences, etc. make sense given their history & biology. All behavior is caused & even if you are struggling to accept or understand the other person, they can make sense when put into the context of their history.
Example: 'It makes sense that you're so exhausted, because your job doesn't feel fulfilling to you anymore & you haven't been feeling well'.
Level #5 - Acknowledge the valid
Normalize that the other person's thoughts, feelings or experiences make sense given how most people would respond if they were in a similar position. Be careful not to validate the invalid/ behavior that isn't technically 'normal'. Look for the kernel of truth & acknowledge that you understand that the person did the best they could given the causes. Notice both the good intentions & the struggles.
Don't forget to act as if the person's behavior is valid! If you are criticized for not completing a task that was yours to do, own up to it with your words AND do the task as soon as you can. If your foot is on someone else's foot & they say 'ow', don't just say 'sorry'! Remove your damn foot! Sometimes validation requires ACTION.
Level #6 - Show equality
Be radically genuine & treat the other person as an individual of equal status & respect. This level communicates that we are all humans who are doing our best, have our own feelings & wishes, and experiencing our own struggles & joys.
Don't be patronizing, condescending, or treat the other person as too fragile to handle reality. On the flipside, don't put the other person on a pedestal & assume they 'have it easier', or are 'better' than you in some way.
Connection is the secret sauce to life & positive mental health. With intentional practice, DBT's 6 levels of validation provide us with a 'road map' to feeling more connected & present with others as well as ourselves.
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